My mum has continued to impress with her attitude towards Monday night’s break in. Although naturally a bit shaken up by being burgled while she was downstairs watching TV, she is simply ‘ not going to think about what might have happened ‘ if she’d come out of the sitting room when the intruder or intruders were there and has decided instead to put her energies into praying for the little b…….s who did it – she’s much nicer than me. When I tell DD about her grandma’s prayers she clutches her heart, and says ‘ OMG, she’s so cuuuuuuute! ‘. DD loves both babies and old people in equal measure and we have on occasion followed particularly adorable examples of the latter around supermarkets as they myopically pick out their favourite biscuits, entirely unaware of the teenage girl cooing ‘ Ah look, they can’t read the packet, that’s so cuuuuuute!’ a few feet away. This week there will be few opportunities for stalking old people as DD has her second batch of GCSE language exams – French and Spanish. She is sat at the kitchen table with me now, trying to learn her Spanish and refusing to listen to my advice as to the best way to remember things you are studying. ‘ Say something for funny for my blog ‘ I ask. I won’t repeat her response.
Half term is at an end and I am still standing, though the same cannot be said for DS who remains dependant upon his crutches. His lack of mobility has meant more teens coming to us as he can’t get to them and because he is so fed up, I have turned a deaf ear and a blind eye to the noise and mess which invariably accompanies small groups of large teenage boys and greets me upon my return from work each evening. This is compounded by the array of ‘ soaking’ ( ie. left to stand with a splash of water in the bottom ) baking tins, bowls and utensils used by DD as she provides her brother and his pals with a steady stream of home baked cakes and chocolate brownies. Baking is her new thing and despite the resulting chaos in the kitchen, one I am keen to encourage, being a useful practical skill unlike visiting nightclubs which she has also been doing rather a lot of this week. Thursday night she went to Motion with her usual posse of similarly clad half naked teenage girls prompting me to yet again repeat the parental cliché ‘ You’re not going out in THAT are you? ‘ as she rolled her eyes and removed money from my wallet in one smooth and practised motion before calling me a few hours later to come and get her as ‘ I’m not really feeling it tonight ‘.
I turn out in my pyjamas so I can head straight back to bed on my return, which I do, safe in the knowledge that DD is now tucked up in bed, DS has managed to make it to a sleepover at his friend’s house and the day is finally done. Leaving the house for work the next morning I almost trip over the shopping trolley lying on it’s side by the bin – ‘ bloody students ‘ I think to myself. It is not until Friday night when I am chatting to J and J’s mums over a takeaway curry that I discover the trolley was left by J when DD let him and another of DS friends in for a nocturnal plate of fairy cakes as they drunkenly wended their way home, none of which I knew anything about because I was asleep. I inform DD the next day that The Bakery closes once I am in bed and that cake is not the only thing on a teenage boy’s mind when he comes a callin’ at 2am. She rolls her eyes and delivers a blisteringly nonchalant ‘ …Whatever..’ while deftly removing two pounds from my wallet because ‘ We’ve run out of icing sugar ‘.
DS has invented a new word – ‘ crutching’ to describe getting around on the crutches he has been issued with following a nasty injury sustained during last weekend’s rugby tournament. X-rays examined by a rather young looking doctor ( well, young to me but these days many people in positions of responsibility are ) after a long, typically purgatorial wait in A and E revealed no bones were broken and analysis by the Bristol physio later in the week diagnosed a tear of the muscle in his hip, very painful and resulting in a 6 week break from his beloved game. He is handling the situation well so far but this may be due in part to the high doses of pain killers he is taking plus the fact that he is not alone in his temporarily disabled state. Right now he is in the lounge with 4 of his mates, 2 of whom are also on crutches ( more rugby injuries ) and as half term has just begun and bedtimes this week therefore flexible, I am issuing stern warning about not drinking whilst on medication as beers have magically appeared to fuel the evenings get together.
DD is with them and noise levels are high, though I suspect she is not detailing them with her latest thoughts on Careers For Girls we discussed earlier this week following a discussion with her friend R during a clearly less than absorbing Physics lesson. ‘ Just get pregnant with a fit person’s baby, no matter how old they are, then they’ll have no excuse not to see you ‘. ‘ Who are you thinking of? ‘ I enquire calmly as I am hoping she is winding me up and am not about to oblige by entertaining her with a feminist rant about pregnancy no longer being an acceptable career choice for girls. ‘ Bradley Cooper, Channing Tatum, Aron Johnson, Alex Pettifer, Zac Effron or Daniel Radcliffe. What do you think?’ ‘ Well…’ I wrack my brains for a response….’ They all seem like nice young men but let’s wait until you’ve got your GCSE’s and A Levels out of the way before deciding which celebrity should impregnate you. Speaking of which, have you done your homework? ‘. DD frowns at me but heads upstairs without protest to her books and I am left shaking my head and asking the dog, not for the first time, ‘ What is she like? ‘
I am blaming the unfeasibly hot October weather for my general inertia today. Apart from doing several loads of washing (because only a fool or a woman with an empty laundry basket would ignore such perfect drying conditions) I have mostly been sitting in the sun or lying lightly panting on the sofa watching my current guilty TV pleasure – Judge Judy – ‘ The people are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final…’ Having attended parties the past 2 evenings DD has also been resting most of the day, including a session sunbathing on the flat roof outside her bedroom window while DS has spent the day at his girlfriend’s house, mostly in or beside their outdoor pool. He returns exhausted from the day’s efforts, incapable of even basic speech and attempts to make polite conversation are met with barely audible, monosyllabic replies. His friend K who lives down the road, 17 this Friday just gone and getting closer to six foot every day, arrives dressed in a monkey onesey, a kind of giant animal babygro which is a favourite mode of home attire for many of the teens. It is still hot and I cannot believe that K isn’t overheating inside his simian suit. “ Nah, it’s fine, I’m really comfortable in it…’ ‘ Nice beard ‘, I say. K is shaping his latest facial hair into a rather fetching, narrow strip running across his jawline . He strokes it carefully in an Austin Powers kind of a way – ‘ Thank you, I’m working on it ‘.
Some time later and we are all watching the X-Factor, shouting at the telly as the judges yet again make some bad decisions ( ie. ones we don’t agree with ) about who to put through and who to send home. ‘ Noooooooooo! ‘ shouts DD, as Louis Walsh sends home Terry the scaffolder, tearfully shattering his middle aged dreams. ‘ He can’t send Terry home, I love Terry! ‘ protests DD. “ He’s crap ‘, says DS bluntly, ‘ No one’s gonna buy his records ‘. ‘ I would ‘ says DD, staunch in her defence of the luckless Terry as he joins a long list of X factor rejects we have loved and lost and quickly forgotten. When I say goodnight to DS later I ask him what his grey and pink animal onesey is – DD’s is a cow – ‘ It’s an elephant isn’t it? ‘. ‘ No, it’s a rabbit. Can you leave me alone please, I’m very tired ‘. So I head for bed, letting teenage sleeping bunnies lie.
Tuesday at 6pm, the phone rings as I am driving home. It is DD. She asks if I would like some of the ( very nice ) supper she is currently cooking when I get in from work? Absobloodylutely! As I savour every mouthful of the food I Did Not Have To Cook I tell my son that I now love my daughter far more than him and will be leaving her the vaster portion of my vast estate when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil. Unless he also feels like rustling up some tasty treat for me one night this week? He smiles sweetly. ‘ It’s never going to happen old woman, we both know that. Can I have some money for a Dominoe’s, I’m still hungry ‘.
When I finally walk through the door on Friday evening at 9pm after a very long but enjoyable day in the Nursery Pavilion at Lords cricket ground, yes you’ve guessed it, exhibiting www.stuckonhomework.com, DD has left me a treat of 5 empty WKD bottles on the kitchen table rather than a home cooked meal. She and several friends have gone to a local party which I have seen advertised on the teen hostess’ facebook page. Hummmm, I tell DD on Thursday evening, 24 hours before the planned celebration, that’s gonna end in tears ‘ Why? You always think the worst, just because there’s a lot of people going doesn’t mean anything will go wrong ‘. Back to Friday and I have arranged to pick up DD and her sleepover friend R at midnight, so kill the next few hours with a bit of light cleaning and telly and standing in the back garden trying to work out where the sound of loud music is emanating from – it can’t be the party, that’s a good half mile away. The phone goes at 11.30. ‘ Yeah, it’s me, can you come and get us now cos the party’s over, the neighbours called the police because of the noise ‘. Or then again, maybe it can. ‘ Delighted to ’ I say, ‘ The police eh? ‘ But DD has already hit the end call button cutting me off mid-gloat, so I head out into the night to pick up two barely dressed teenage girls, thanking the publicity department at facebook for providing me with further ammo in the ‘why you will never be able to have a party, ever ‘ debate.
A good couple of days away exhibiting www.stuckonhmework.com at Olympia and I return last night to discover that DS new rugby team ( he’s a 6th former so is now playing for the 1st’s ) beat one of the top sides in the country. As the house is still standing and there have been no incidents, major or minor in my absence, I head to bed happily where I am kept awake for the next couple of hours by the sounds of 4 sober but loud, young male voices excitedly revisiting great moments from the match and 2 young female ones ( DD has her friend B over ) laughing loudly about things that teenage girls laugh loudly about, and I do not get to sleep until later than I require which probably explains why I awake this morning somewhat tired and irritable. This increases throughout the day encouraged by the weather, ie. it’s raining – again, the amount of housework required to ensure our home meets basic EU hygiene standards, ie. many hours worth and the number of domestic appliances that have decided to break down on this particularly sodden Sunday, ie. 2, the dishwasher and tumble dryer.
I am essentially a nice person so endeavour not to take my increasingly bad mood out on those around me and manage to neither snap nor snarl for a good part of the day, but at approx 3.30 pm this comes to an end when the teens start rowing about who has TV and sofa rights and within the space of half an hour I have yelled at the kids, shouted at the dog who keeps trying to savage the end of the hoover attachment as I vacuum the house and been extremely curt with the unfortunate cold caller who blithely asks me in strong, semi-decipherable English if I am having a nice day. DD does a less than flattering but I suspect rather accurate impression of me saying’ Look, I’m very tired and in no mood to deal with this! ‘ before persuading me that what I need to improve my mood is a trip to the large, local supermarket to buy some cheap leggings and ‘ You can do your week’s shop, you’ll like that ‘. I didn’t like it as it happens, crowded supermarkets on wet, Sunday afternoons not being on my Top 10 list of Places I like To Be. DD helps load and unload everything in and out of the car, pointing out that I look ‘ old and feeble ‘ when carrying the heavy shopping bags into the house which makes me feel much better – not, so I head out for a restorative walk with the dog. 15 minutes later and the heavens open, quickly drenching me and the dog and I trudge home, my steamed up glasses surrounded by the dripping frame of my synthetic, fur trimmed hood.
It’s 8 o clock now and the teens are out having pizza with their dad, the fridge and cupboards are stocked, the house is clean and the dog and I are dry. Last minute crises not withstanding, I have survived wet Sunday and have the new series of Curb Your Enthusiasm to look forward to – any Larry David fans out there? ( Please see previous posting My Daughter Discovers My Blog if you want to know why this is quite funny ).
Last Sunday my daughter insisted on reading my blog for the first time and I admit I was nervous. She pursed her lips and studied the laptop screen intently, she smiled a couple of times and then laughed a bit. ‘ Which ones am I in? ‘ She scrolled down to her bits and read them all, her expression inscrutable now. Then she said ‘ It’s fine, you can write it. But I will be reading it every Sunday from now on so no sexual incantations please ‘. My guess is she meant shenanigans but I was seeing a small coven of witches around a large, bubbling cauldron solemnly reading out passages from the karma sutra, until DD said. ‘ You’re on twitter too aren’t you? ‘ I nodded my assent mutely. ‘ Then I shall follow you ‘. And she did, spending the next half hour laughing at my ‘sad’ tweets – ‘ Anyone out there a Larry David fan? ‘ being her personal favourite . “ Ah mama, you can’t be surprised no one answered that! ‘ and retweeting ones about her to her friends ‘ My teen daughter is driving me mad! ‘ causing a roar of twitter laughter from her fellow teens. So this is for you C, thanks for the material.